If you've been reading the news about Apple you'd know that over the last few years Apple has been hit with numerous court cases regarding patent disputes. Apple has in fact settled on some, most notably the Creative case where Creative reckoned it had the patent on the iPod's menu system.

You may remember during the launch of the iPhone Steve Jobs said Apple had patented the hell out of it. It's an interesting situation because up until this Apple hadn't really taken out a lot of patents on account of the fact that they like to just get on with the job of developing great tools (and a Mac is a tool on account of the fact it allows us to do work as opposed to a PC running Windows which tries its damnedest to prevent us from doing work). But the patent system of America has rewarded morons the ability to take Apple to court to try and milk it for money these morons don't deserve.

Some drongo managed to pass a bill in the late 90's that allowed people to patent ideas and software. While I can sort of understand the idea of patenting software the ideas thing irritates me because the very idea that someone would never have the same idea as you is somewhat arrogant in nature. Okay, I admit that I'm pretty sure no one has had the same idea as me with regards to how Hannibal Lecter's face wearing tendencies could benefit society but I come from a planet called Kashyyyk so I have a certain degree of leeway on that. But humans by nature have a tendency to invent, it's what made New Zealand a great nation in the past (although thanks to globalisation I believe we're losing those skills), and because humans are the only creatures that have the ability to think on many planes it stands to reason that two people will have the same idea as to how to achieve something. So the very idea of patenting an idea with nothing to prove the idea is dubious at best.

In pretty much every country that has a patent system, except for America who's capitalist ideas caused the patent system problems in the first place, to get a patent you first have to have a working prototype. This prevents the mess that you see happening in the States with patent trolls who look to see if an idea has been patented and if not then they take out a patent and try to enforce license fees to anyone who actually has a working product that uses that idea. Current example is this gem that claims that ZapMedia basically came up with the idea of iTunes Store and the iPod two years before the iPod went on sale:

ZapMedia no longer exists but asks for money from the grave

So now Apple is forced to patent ideas which others may have had simply because talentless jerks who are only wanting to make a buck by doing absolutely nothing are trying to bully Apple into paying up for something that they actually invented.

So to stop this from happening I'm going to patent stupid so from this point on anyone doing something stupid will have to pay a licensing fee to me for their actions. My fee structure will be quite inclusive but here's some to give you an idea:

• Hitting digits on hand with hammer - $.05 (something tells me I'll make a killing on this one)
• Dying from sticking fork in power socket - 10% of life insurance or $10,000 from estate, if no estate then I will ask for the morgue photos to be placed on http://idontthinkyouthoughtyourplanthrough.com/
• Dying from licking light socket - see previous
• Crashing your car while trying to change the radio station or changing CD - $10,000
• Genocide - Your arms, legs, and tongue will be removed and you will be forever known as Torso Boy, your nose will also be periodically tickled with a feather
• Being a patent troll - Entire proceeds from any case you win including court fees awarded plus execution by being forced to stick a fork into power socket (see Dying from sticking fork in power socket - double whammy)
• Being the patent clerk who okayed the patent - I'm tossing up between hitting digits on hand with hammer for every stupid patent okayed or Torso Boy

All prices include GST and are in New Zealand Dollars 

I figure if people are forced to pay for their stupidity then people will think twice before doing something stupid therefore idiots will not inherit this earth like it is rapidly heading today. Don't believe me? Then please rent the documentary movie Idiocracy from your local video store (okay it's not really a documentary but look around you and you'll begin to doubt that). Because people won't be doing things solely for money but will instead be thinking if it's going to cost them then useless patents that are purely designed to milk genuine innovators will cease to exist and technology will actually be able to progress.